The Sirens In My Sleep.

oh joyous joys!! i got my braces off, and it feels fantastic. (also it feels like there is dough all over my teeth, but that is infact just my mouth!!) good bye ugly betty physique, and heeeellloooo pretty Lily :) (hopefully) i didn’t realise how much effect my braces had!

sometimes i feel malicous. overly deceitful. pretending with people. lieing, all the damn time..

i feel desolate and left out. relationships with people i want to stay friends with, are fading, rapidly. all because i’m aloud out once a month (in a controlled enviroment that my parents are happy with) and i work saturdays. KILL ME ALREADY!

sometimes, its like i love people more than they love me. i’m left for things that are better. people who provide more company. all i do is sit in bed, play ps2, and smoke. its not my fault. is it?

i dream constantly that i wont get accepted into college. that i’m not good enough, not ready, not anything. that nobody will accept me, because nobody will like my work.
and while i’m on the subject of colleges, i dont want my (very good) friend, to think i’m copying her. because i’m not. i just change my choices alot, and unintentionally decided on the same thing.(animation.) i dream about next year alot. even though i know things change, things can happen in (less than) a year. but for now, i imagine living in a little appartment in dublin, with my two mates, ash trays in every room, carpets, and funky walls. i see myself in a hoody, sitting on a kitchen chair, laughing, smoking a cig, and drinking a mug of tea. i dunno. each to their own. :)
i also think about missing my family. but at the moment theyre choking me..

i’m scared i wont be able to make myself work hard enough, i procrastinate. i’m not lazy as such, i just think i can do things in a shorter time thatn i’m given. but at the same time, thats just being lazy, right?

boys. boys. ohh boys.. i dont want a relationship, cause i know it wont last, atleast not this year when i’m not aloud out, and the ‘stress of the leaving cert’ blah blah blah.. but i feel i need one. atleast to get me through these cold winter months..

oh i don’t know.. life, just isnt right at the moment. i’m filled with doubt and upset and confusion.. but who knows? who knows..