insanity is a pleasure wrapped in strings that are pulled too tightly.
sitting in a tall glass, i fall asleep.
finally glod flecks begin to dance
around and round my head.
they make my head ache.
but its ok.
because i’m gone.
a world of oportunities open up.
i’m starting to feel, that i’m less important to people than they are to me. just little things. i’m too dependent, but at the same time, i’m not. its frustrating.
little things are bringing me down.
but little things are bringing me up.
i’m being left behind. grounded into place. why does nobody care? why am i still here, in a place i was two years ago. (that awful awful place, that i beg not to let me fall deeper into.) everybody else is going places, finding themselves. and i’m not. i have helped people get to where they want to be. but i can’t seem to make myself move.
”it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down”
and i shut down way to often.
theres a rumour i have lots of vibrators floating around. its true. hah.
can i not enjoy sex cause i’m fat or something?
i’m crushing my heart into concrete.
it hurts. to much. i want to be numb. not feel. i’m just burdened with threads and reams of emotions.
why do i always attract freaks and weirdos? can i not have a single decent guy, one who isn’t cheating with his gf, one that isn’t filled with strange fetishes, one that is willing to share me, somebody who cries less than me. its these things beneath the surface that make me think i’m just born to mate with weirdos.
they always seem nice to start with, as most people do. then you agree to go out with them, and you discover things you really could of done with knowing before you get involved..
what happened to good old fashioned dating anyway!? go to the pictures share some popped corn. ya know? the good aul days. bleh. the point is, its not here, and that leads me to fall for the freaks and weirdos.
plus, its not just the freaks and weirdos i date, its the ones i attract in general. like, out of a room full of people, i can guarentee that the weirdest person there will come over to me, and try to converse, at which point i just sigh, turn round and walk away. do they not get the message!? maybe your thinking, well is SHE a freakin’ weirdo. and i admit, i’m not normal, but i like to think i have a bit of class, ya know, like a ‘cool’ weirdo. the weirdos a attract are proper disfunctional species, like, woa. i do enjoy a bit of weird, life is more interesting that way. but you just get to a point, when things are too weird, and scenarios repeat themselves over and over, and i want someone more like my sort of weird, not a bad weird sort of person.
i like guys who can show emotion, i think its important, but if he cries more than me, i think its strange, cause i cry alot. i don’t like rasicm or prejadice, thats a big thing for me. a sense of humour is also important, cause while i cry alot, i laugh a damned lot more! i don’t want him to be over buff, or under buff, just normal will do me, dark hair is my preference, and taller than me (which isn’t hard to do) i’d like him to care about his appearence, but not so he’s vain and looks at himself more than me, or that he constantly cares if his hair is messy. i’m being pretty particular, but after having so many wrong, i know what i want. but saying that, i would’nt dismiss a guy, cause he isn’t like this, i’m open to all (guys and girls) a soulmate is a soulmate afterall.
i’ve been getting these bursts of sun filled moments. they make me laugh and smile, and giggle. i want to hug my family, kiss my friends. everything that happy people do. i don’t know what causes this up lifting feeling, and i’m not complaining, but i’ve never felt such powerful happiness like this before! i actually can’t describe what it feels like, but its like a feeling of completment, fullfillment, wholesomeness. ya know? its confusing, because honestly, everything is kinda shit right now.
its amazing how much i dont care anymore.
these people, my neighbours, they hate us or something. my mum, she dosn’t like to be excluded or disliked, or any of that either (spose thats where i get it from!). and its getting quite obvious that they don’t like us. it used to be just the shits for kids that used to bug me and my sister, throwing rocks at us, ganging up and all that crap. (but i like a good argument, and didnt take what they did too seriously) so it just dosnt matter to me. but when the parents, the supposed ‘adults’ start giving my mum grief, ignoring her, and being just total assholes to her. we decided not to care. and love my mum for that. we retaliated, we put music on full blast from our car, drove down our road, then we parked up in our drive and let it blare for the rest of this evening, i start my middle finger up to the wrinkly bitches.
i suppose we’ll never really fit in here. and i know that. so until i find my home back from where i’m from, we’ll just keep acting stupid and rebellious, not caring a toss for their little worlds.
a bloody waste of bloody time. sex thirsty gits. pressing on my mind, pressing on my body. dirty, sweaty fucking. scum. a bloody waste of bloody fucking time.